A gift is a tangible object that says, “I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have this. I love you.” Anthropologists have never discovered a culture where gift giving is not an expression of love. Giving gift is one of the fundamental universal languages of love
Some gifts last only for a few hours. Many single mom will remember this gift a dandelion picked from the yard and given to her by her child. The gift was quickly gone, but the memory has lingered for years. . The important thing is not the gift, but the emotional love that was communicated by the gift. The right gift is any token, big or small, which speaks that emotional love
The wrong meaning
The Greek word from which we get our English words gift is “charis”, which means “grace,” or an underserved gift. A gift by its very nature is not payment for services rendered. When a dating partner says “I will give… if you will….” The partner is not offering a gift nor is he expressing love. The person is simply striking a deal. A gift is given without strings attached or it ceases to be a gift
A gift is not a gift when it is given to smooth ruffled feathers. Some people think that giving a gift will offset the harsh words they have spoken. Some sons were instructed by their fathers,” when you’ve done wrong, always get her flowers. Flowers cover multitude of sins.” After a while. However, girls receiving the flowers want to throw them in the guy’s face. A gift is a gift only when given as a genuine expression of love, not as an effort to cover over past failures
Gift are visual symbol s of love. During most wedding ceremonies the bride and groom give and receive rings. The person performing the ceremony says, “These rings are outward and visible signs of an inward and spiritual bond which unite your two hearts in love that has no end.”
The gift can be any size, shape, color, or price. It may be purchase, found, or made. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost of the gift will matter little. If you can afford it, you can purchase a beautiful card foe a less amount. If you cannot, you can make one free. Get a paper, fold it in the middle, take scissors and cut out a heart, write “I love you,” and sign your name. Gift need not be expensive
Learn the person’s interests
When do you begin? Listen to the person you care about. Pick up on their interest
Be Sensitive to the Nature of Some Gifts
In a dating relationship, you must also be sensitive to the way your partner responds to gifts. Because of their cost or perceived meaning, certain type of gift may not be readily accepted by the one you love.
GIFTS AND MONEY
If you are to become an effective giver, you may have to change your attitude about money. Each of us has an individualized perception of the purpose of money and we have various emotion associated with spending it. If you have a spending orientation, you will feel good about yourself when you are spending money. If you have a saving and investing perspective, you will feel good about yourself when you are saving money or investing it wisely.
Suppose you are saver. You will resist the idea of spending money as an expression of love. I don’t purchase things for myself. Why should I purchase things for others? But that attitude fails to understand the truth- that you are purchasing things for yourself. By saving and investing money you are purchasing self-worth and emotional security. You are caring for your own emotional needs in the way you handle money. If you discover that someone you care about has the primary love language of receiving gift, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing and giving gift to him or her is the best investment you can make. You’re investing in your relationship and filling the other person‘s emotional love tank
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
ABOUT FORGIVENESS
Processing hurt and anger in a positive way is essential if we are to speak affirming words. Typically, our words are an overflow of what is going on in our hearts. If we have not successfully dealt with hurt and anger, we will probably come out fighting, and our words will be destructive rather than loving
None of us is perfect. We do not always do the best or right thing. We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to those around us. We cannot erase the past, we can only confess it and aggress that it was wrong. WE can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in t5he future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness I can pursue the possibility of restitution. Can I do something that will make up for the pain I have caused you?” is a loving question.
When I have been wronged and the person has confessed and requested forgiveness, I have the option of forgiving or demanding justice. If I choose justice and seek to pay the individual back for what he or she has done to me, I am making myself the judge and the other person the felon. If, however, I choose to forgive, the reconciliation becomes a possibility
Many singles mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on bringing into today the failure of yesterday, and in so doing pollute a potentially wonderful day. When bitterness, resentment, and revenge are allowed to live in the human heart, words of affirmation will be impossible to speak. The best thing we can do with failures of the past is to let them be history
Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. It may still hurt. But either the person has acknowledged his or her failure and I have chosen to forgive the individual, or he/she persist in the wrong behavior and I choose to release that person to God, knowing that he is a God of justices as well as mercy. I refuse to allow the other’s behavior to destroy my life today.
Releasing the person is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is a respond to confession. It is rather a releasing of my hurt and anger in spite of the wrong they have done to me. It does not restore and relationship, but allows me to live my life in peace and love others
If one wishes to be a lover, he must look carefully at the words he uses when he talks to co-workers, neighbors, close friends, parent, former spouse, roommate, and the sales clerks at the local store. What I say and the way I say it will influence the climate of my relationship. Words of affirmation enhance relationships. Harsh, condemning words destroy relationships
Remember, love is a choice. Choose to love others
None of us is perfect. We do not always do the best or right thing. We have sometimes done and said hurtful things to those around us. We cannot erase the past, we can only confess it and aggress that it was wrong. WE can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in t5he future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness I can pursue the possibility of restitution. Can I do something that will make up for the pain I have caused you?” is a loving question.
When I have been wronged and the person has confessed and requested forgiveness, I have the option of forgiving or demanding justice. If I choose justice and seek to pay the individual back for what he or she has done to me, I am making myself the judge and the other person the felon. If, however, I choose to forgive, the reconciliation becomes a possibility
Many singles mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on bringing into today the failure of yesterday, and in so doing pollute a potentially wonderful day. When bitterness, resentment, and revenge are allowed to live in the human heart, words of affirmation will be impossible to speak. The best thing we can do with failures of the past is to let them be history
Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. It may still hurt. But either the person has acknowledged his or her failure and I have chosen to forgive the individual, or he/she persist in the wrong behavior and I choose to release that person to God, knowing that he is a God of justices as well as mercy. I refuse to allow the other’s behavior to destroy my life today.
Releasing the person is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is a respond to confession. It is rather a releasing of my hurt and anger in spite of the wrong they have done to me. It does not restore and relationship, but allows me to live my life in peace and love others
If one wishes to be a lover, he must look carefully at the words he uses when he talks to co-workers, neighbors, close friends, parent, former spouse, roommate, and the sales clerks at the local store. What I say and the way I say it will influence the climate of my relationship. Words of affirmation enhance relationships. Harsh, condemning words destroy relationships
Remember, love is a choice. Choose to love others
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
KIND WORDS
Another dialect of words of affirmation is kind words. This has to do not only with what we say but the manner in which we say it. The same sentence can have two different meaning, depending on how you say it. The statement “I love you,” when said with kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love. But what about the statement, “I, love you?” The question mark changes the whole meaning of these three words
Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. We are sending double message. People usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use
When your roommate says in a snarling tone, “I would be delighted to wash dishes tonight, “it will not be received as an expression of love. On the other hand, we can share hurt, pain, and even anger in a kind manner, and that will be an expression of love, “ I felt disappointed that you didn’t offer to help me this evening,” said in an honest kind manner can be expression of love. The person speaking wants to be known by the other person and is taking steps to build authenticity into their relationship. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love but an expression of condemnation and judgment
The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said “A gentle answer turns away wrath” When your work colleague is angry and lashing with words of heat, if you choose to be loving, you will not reciprocate with additional heat but with a soft. You will receive what he is saying as information about his emotional feelings. You will let him tell you of his hurt, anger, and perception of events. You will seek to put yourself in his shoes and sees the event through his eyes and then express softly and kindly your understanding of why he feels that way. If you have wronged him, you will be willing to confess the wrong and ask for forgiveness. If your perception is different than his, you will be able to explain your point of view kindly. You will seek understanding and reconciliation and seek not to prove that your own perception is the only way to interpret what has happened. That is mature love. Love speak kindly
Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. We are sending double message. People usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use
When your roommate says in a snarling tone, “I would be delighted to wash dishes tonight, “it will not be received as an expression of love. On the other hand, we can share hurt, pain, and even anger in a kind manner, and that will be an expression of love, “ I felt disappointed that you didn’t offer to help me this evening,” said in an honest kind manner can be expression of love. The person speaking wants to be known by the other person and is taking steps to build authenticity into their relationship. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love but an expression of condemnation and judgment
The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said “A gentle answer turns away wrath” When your work colleague is angry and lashing with words of heat, if you choose to be loving, you will not reciprocate with additional heat but with a soft. You will receive what he is saying as information about his emotional feelings. You will let him tell you of his hurt, anger, and perception of events. You will seek to put yourself in his shoes and sees the event through his eyes and then express softly and kindly your understanding of why he feels that way. If you have wronged him, you will be willing to confess the wrong and ask for forgiveness. If your perception is different than his, you will be able to explain your point of view kindly. You will seek understanding and reconciliation and seek not to prove that your own perception is the only way to interpret what has happened. That is mature love. Love speak kindly
Saturday, October 31, 2009
WORDS OF PRAISE
Then there is dialect of praise, recognizing someone’s accomplishment. To a greater or lesser degree, all of us are achievers. WE set ourselves to accomplish things. When we accomplish them we like to be recognized. In personal relationship words of praise meet the need for recognition
Occasionally we all need someone to pat us on the shoulder and say, “Wow, that’s great. I like that. You did a great job. “Think of what would happen in the world if all of us started praising each other for accomplishments rather than pointing out what was wrong.
The singles’ world is filled with people who are worthy of praise. The single mom who works to support her family and to educate her children deserves the highest accolades. The person who works through the pain of divorce and comes out with a positive attitude believing in the future deserves praise. The single who wrestles with a dreaded diseases and maintain a positive attitude and uses his or her energies in positive pursuit is worthy of a praises team. The never married single who invest time And energy in helping underprivileged children accomplish educational goals deserves words of praise. All around us there are people who daily expend energy for the benefit of others. These people need to hear words of praise.
Occasionally we all need someone to pat us on the shoulder and say, “Wow, that’s great. I like that. You did a great job. “Think of what would happen in the world if all of us started praising each other for accomplishments rather than pointing out what was wrong.
The singles’ world is filled with people who are worthy of praise. The single mom who works to support her family and to educate her children deserves the highest accolades. The person who works through the pain of divorce and comes out with a positive attitude believing in the future deserves praise. The single who wrestles with a dreaded diseases and maintain a positive attitude and uses his or her energies in positive pursuit is worthy of a praises team. The never married single who invest time And energy in helping underprivileged children accomplish educational goals deserves words of praise. All around us there are people who daily expend energy for the benefit of others. These people need to hear words of praise.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
SPEAKING THE DIALECTS OF AFFIRMING WORDS
Words OF Encouragement
Affirming words is one of the five basic love languages. Within that languages, however, there are many dialects. Lets focus primary on words of appreciation, expressing sincere gratitude for some act of service rendered. But there are also words of encouragement. The words encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage and that lack of courage can hinders us from accomplishing the positive things we would like to do
The latent potential within a work colleague or your roommate may await encouraging words. Perhaps someone in your circle of friendship has expressed an interest in learning to be an actor or actress. If it appears to you that they have potentials (and almost all of us do), Why not encourage them to explore their desire. Tell them that you can “ see them doing that.” If they are inexperienced, encourage them to attend a class at a local college. If they have had some experienced, encourage to audition for local “little theatre.” Many noble pursuits wait the encouragement of a friend.A friend says to you “I’ve got to lose weight.” What is your responds? Will you “brush it off” by saying, All of us need to lose weight”? Will you discourage your friend by saying, “That’s one of the hardest things in the world to do” or Even if you lose weight you’ll probably put it back on again”? Or will give the person encouraging words, such as “if you decide to do it, I know you will succeed because you are the kind of person who accomplishes goals”?
Affirming words is one of the five basic love languages. Within that languages, however, there are many dialects. Lets focus primary on words of appreciation, expressing sincere gratitude for some act of service rendered. But there are also words of encouragement. The words encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage and that lack of courage can hinders us from accomplishing the positive things we would like to do
The latent potential within a work colleague or your roommate may await encouraging words. Perhaps someone in your circle of friendship has expressed an interest in learning to be an actor or actress. If it appears to you that they have potentials (and almost all of us do), Why not encourage them to explore their desire. Tell them that you can “ see them doing that.” If they are inexperienced, encourage them to attend a class at a local college. If they have had some experienced, encourage to audition for local “little theatre.” Many noble pursuits wait the encouragement of a friend.A friend says to you “I’ve got to lose weight.” What is your responds? Will you “brush it off” by saying, All of us need to lose weight”? Will you discourage your friend by saying, “That’s one of the hardest things in the world to do” or Even if you lose weight you’ll probably put it back on again”? Or will give the person encouraging words, such as “if you decide to do it, I know you will succeed because you are the kind of person who accomplishes goals”?
Monday, October 19, 2009
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION (Love Language 1)
PSYCHOLINGUISTICS: THE STUDY OF THE EFFECT of language on personality. It’s a fancy word, but the truth is all of us have been influenced by words we heard through the years. Some single adult grew up in a positive linguistic environment. They heard words that emphasized the pleasant, joyful, and beautiful aspect of life. Others grew up in a linguistic environment that emphasized the negative. Children who grew up in these vastly contrasting environments will hear totally different vocabularies resulting in vastly different personalities and behavior patterns. The ancient he brew proverb did not overstate the impact of words “the tongue has the power of life and death.”
If words holds such power of influence, it is understandable that words of affirmation would be one of the five fundamental languages of love. It will also be obvious that singles who grew up in a negative linguistic environment will have greater difficulty learning to speak words of affirmation. For some, it will mean learning a whole new vocabulary while seeking to delete the negative words that so freely flow from their mouths. It will also involve learning to listen, to the affirming words of others
Let me make it clear from the outset, my desire for single who reads this, is that you will learn both to receive and give love in all five love languages. I am assuming that those who take time to read a book on love desire to better persons, to have better relationships, and reach their potential of leaving a positive impact on the world. It is my sincere belief that learning to speak and understand the five love languages will help you reach that objective.
The good news is that all of these languages can be learned. In this we are focusing on learning to give and receive words of affirmation. For some people this is their primary love language, all of us need to be able to speak it. We all enjoy learning it. How can we best develop this language?
For some singles, this is their native tongue. They grew up in a positive linguistic environment hearing many affirming words from their earliest childhood. It will be relatively easy for them to speak this language because they have been practicing for many years. These are the singles who are known in their social circle as encourages. They are constantly affirming, encouraging, and expressing words of appreciation to others
If words holds such power of influence, it is understandable that words of affirmation would be one of the five fundamental languages of love. It will also be obvious that singles who grew up in a negative linguistic environment will have greater difficulty learning to speak words of affirmation. For some, it will mean learning a whole new vocabulary while seeking to delete the negative words that so freely flow from their mouths. It will also involve learning to listen, to the affirming words of others
Let me make it clear from the outset, my desire for single who reads this, is that you will learn both to receive and give love in all five love languages. I am assuming that those who take time to read a book on love desire to better persons, to have better relationships, and reach their potential of leaving a positive impact on the world. It is my sincere belief that learning to speak and understand the five love languages will help you reach that objective.
The good news is that all of these languages can be learned. In this we are focusing on learning to give and receive words of affirmation. For some people this is their primary love language, all of us need to be able to speak it. We all enjoy learning it. How can we best develop this language?
For some singles, this is their native tongue. They grew up in a positive linguistic environment hearing many affirming words from their earliest childhood. It will be relatively easy for them to speak this language because they have been practicing for many years. These are the singles who are known in their social circle as encourages. They are constantly affirming, encouraging, and expressing words of appreciation to others
Saturday, October 10, 2009
ACTS OF SERVICE (Love Language 3)
SHERRY ENTERED THE WORKFORCE after her husband left her with her four years old daughter. Her computer skills were not as advanced as she would like, they still aren’t, but she is improving. Easing her transition as a single mother in the workplace is a helpful coworker
“Gaye is so nice,” sherry said, “whenever I have a problem with my computer, she’s always available to help me. She is so patient when I am slow to learn, she is the greatest! I don’t know what I can do without her”
Sherry has high positive regard for Gaye because her coworker is speaking sherry’s primary love language: act of service.
Albert Einstein, one of the greatest scientists of all time, is best known for his theory of relatively, which he advanced in 1905 when he was twenty-six. He made many others significant contribution to science. However, in his later years, he said to have removed from has wall the portrait of two scientists, Maxwell and Newton, and replaced them with the portraits of Schweitzer and Gandhi. When he was questioned by his colleagues, he said, “It is time to remove the symbols of science and replace with them with the symbols of service.”
Apparently Einstein had come to realized that love is more powerful than science. One of the fundamental languages of love is act of service. One of the clearest pictures of the essence of the Christian faith is Jesus, its founder, washing the feet of his disciples. In a culture were people wore sandals and walk on dirt streets, it was customary for the servant of the household to wash the feet of guests has they arrive. Jesus, who had instructed his disciple to love one another, gave them an example of how to express that love when he took a basin and a towel and proceeded to wash their feet. After that simple expression of love he encouraged his disciples to follow his example
Earlier in his life Jesus had indicated that in his kingdom those who would become great would be servant. In most societies those who mare great lord it over those who are small, but Jesus said that those who are great would serve others. The apostle Paul summarized that philosophy when he said “serve one another in love.”
In the “Me Generation,” the idea of service may seem anachronistic, but the life of service to others has always been recognized as a life worthy of emulation. In every vocation, those who truly excel are those who has genuine desire to serve others. The most notable physicians view their vocation as a calling to serve the sick and diseased. Truly great political leaders see themselves as “Public Servants.” The greatest of all educators see student as individual and gain their greatest rewards from seeing student reach their potential in developing their talents and interests. Service to others is the highest pinnacle man ever scales
“Gaye is so nice,” sherry said, “whenever I have a problem with my computer, she’s always available to help me. She is so patient when I am slow to learn, she is the greatest! I don’t know what I can do without her”
Sherry has high positive regard for Gaye because her coworker is speaking sherry’s primary love language: act of service.
Albert Einstein, one of the greatest scientists of all time, is best known for his theory of relatively, which he advanced in 1905 when he was twenty-six. He made many others significant contribution to science. However, in his later years, he said to have removed from has wall the portrait of two scientists, Maxwell and Newton, and replaced them with the portraits of Schweitzer and Gandhi. When he was questioned by his colleagues, he said, “It is time to remove the symbols of science and replace with them with the symbols of service.”
Apparently Einstein had come to realized that love is more powerful than science. One of the fundamental languages of love is act of service. One of the clearest pictures of the essence of the Christian faith is Jesus, its founder, washing the feet of his disciples. In a culture were people wore sandals and walk on dirt streets, it was customary for the servant of the household to wash the feet of guests has they arrive. Jesus, who had instructed his disciple to love one another, gave them an example of how to express that love when he took a basin and a towel and proceeded to wash their feet. After that simple expression of love he encouraged his disciples to follow his example
Earlier in his life Jesus had indicated that in his kingdom those who would become great would be servant. In most societies those who mare great lord it over those who are small, but Jesus said that those who are great would serve others. The apostle Paul summarized that philosophy when he said “serve one another in love.”
In the “Me Generation,” the idea of service may seem anachronistic, but the life of service to others has always been recognized as a life worthy of emulation. In every vocation, those who truly excel are those who has genuine desire to serve others. The most notable physicians view their vocation as a calling to serve the sick and diseased. Truly great political leaders see themselves as “Public Servants.” The greatest of all educators see student as individual and gain their greatest rewards from seeing student reach their potential in developing their talents and interests. Service to others is the highest pinnacle man ever scales
Thursday, October 8, 2009
FIVE LANGUAGES FOR ALL RELATIONSHIP
The five love languages apply in all human relationships. Some single adult do not feel loved by their parent, not because their parent did not love them, but because the parent never learned to speak the child’s primary love language. Many single have been unsuccessful in their vocational ambitions, not because they lack skills to perform their job, but because they t5hey have never learned how to express appreciation to those who work for with them and for them. Consequently, relationships become strained, and productivity is hampered, often leading them to seek another job or being asked to seek another job. Still others are frustrated by long-term relationships in which they or their friends feels unloved or unappreciated and struggle to better understand each other.
Learning to speak love and appreciation in a language the other person can receive it is a key to enhancing all human relationships. I can assure you that if you read the following article and apply the principle of five love languages, you will become more effective in all of your relationships. The principles are the same truth I have shared with hundred of people. I have every reason to believe the principles will be as effective for you as they have been for other.
are the five love languages for single adults and married
· Words of Affirmation
· Gifts
· Acts of Services
· Quality Time
· Physical Touch
So let’s begins by looking at love languages number one.
Learning to speak love and appreciation in a language the other person can receive it is a key to enhancing all human relationships. I can assure you that if you read the following article and apply the principle of five love languages, you will become more effective in all of your relationships. The principles are the same truth I have shared with hundred of people. I have every reason to believe the principles will be as effective for you as they have been for other.
are the five love languages for single adults and married
· Words of Affirmation
· Gifts
· Acts of Services
· Quality Time
· Physical Touch
So let’s begins by looking at love languages number one.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
EXPRESSING LOVE IN THE RIGHT LANGUAGE
The problem is that by nature we tend to speak our own love languages. That is, we express love to others in a language that would make us feel loved. But if it is not his or her primary love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to us.
This is why thousands of couples are frustrated. Sam, a divorced single, said about the woman he is dating “I don’t understand her. She says she feels like I don’t love her. How could she feel unloved? Everyday I tell her that I love her. I also give her compliment everyday. I tell her how pretty she is. I tell her what a good mother she is. How could she feel unloved?”
The problem is her love language is act of service, not words of affirmation. So in her mind, she’s thinking if he loved me, he would do something to help me. When he comes over, he watches television while I wash the dishes. He never helps me with anything. I’m sick of his words “ I love you, I love you” words are cheap. If he really loves me, he would do something. I do everything for him: he does nothing for me. This scenario is repeated in thousands of relationship. Each person speaks his own languages and does not understand why the other does not feel loved. If we want the other person to feel loved, we must discover and learn to speak his/her primary love language
Many dating relationships become troubled, especially if the couple dates beyond the two years obsessive stage of passionate love. Often these couples break up and go their separate ways, not because they would not have good marital partners, but because they lost the emotional love they had for each other.
Often this could have been remedied had they discovered each other’s primary love languages and learn to speak it
This is why thousands of couples are frustrated. Sam, a divorced single, said about the woman he is dating “I don’t understand her. She says she feels like I don’t love her. How could she feel unloved? Everyday I tell her that I love her. I also give her compliment everyday. I tell her how pretty she is. I tell her what a good mother she is. How could she feel unloved?”
The problem is her love language is act of service, not words of affirmation. So in her mind, she’s thinking if he loved me, he would do something to help me. When he comes over, he watches television while I wash the dishes. He never helps me with anything. I’m sick of his words “ I love you, I love you” words are cheap. If he really loves me, he would do something. I do everything for him: he does nothing for me. This scenario is repeated in thousands of relationship. Each person speaks his own languages and does not understand why the other does not feel loved. If we want the other person to feel loved, we must discover and learn to speak his/her primary love language
Many dating relationships become troubled, especially if the couple dates beyond the two years obsessive stage of passionate love. Often these couples break up and go their separate ways, not because they would not have good marital partners, but because they lost the emotional love they had for each other.
Often this could have been remedied had they discovered each other’s primary love languages and learn to speak it
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Moving On The Stage Two Love
When we understand the stage one of love, we had no comprehension of stage two.Our perception of love are typical for both singles and married adults in western culture. That is why understanding the love languages is so critical if we are to have long-term relationships. The love languages reveals how to keep emotional love alive once we come down from the emotional high of the obsessive stage of love.
Without this individual who divorce will marry and repeat the cycle with another mate. Sixty percent of those who marry will experience a second divorce and be single again…. Unless they learn the nature of love and move successfully from stage to stage two
The Convenant Stage of Love
Stage two is what I prefer to call “convenant love? It is very different from stage one, which I sometimes call “passionate Love? I do not mean to imply that covenant love is not passionate, but in convenant love, passion must be fed and nurtured. It will not continue to flow simply because we remain in the relationship. It is truly different from stage one. The obsessiveness we have had for each other begins to fade, and we recognize that there are other important pursuits in life in addition to pursuing each other. The illusions of perfection evaporate and the words of our mother returns to mind, “He hasn’t had a steady job in five years”….or you remember the word of words of our friend “The woman has been married five times before”. And now, in your mind, you begin to agree with your mother (or your friend). You wonder how you could have been so blind to reality
The differences in personality and lifestyle become so obvious, when before, you hardly saw them, The euphoria that led you to put each other first and to focus on each other well-being has now dissipated, and you begin to focus on yourself and realize that your lover is no longer meeting your needs. So you begin to request and then demand of the person, and when he or she refuses to meet your demand, you withdraw or you lash out in anger. Your anger or withdraw pushes your lover further way, and makes it difficult for him/her to express love to you.
Can such a tarnished relationship be reborn? The answer is yes: if the couple comes to understand the nature of love and learns hoe to express love in a language the next person can receive
The obsessive stage is over. The couple may be dating or married but they must move to the next stage, or the romantic relationship will end.
Convenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love each other no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions, but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other well- being
Our behavior will affect the person emotions. In fact, if we learn to express love in the other person’s love language, he/she will feel loved. And if that person reciprocates by speaking our love language, they will meet emotional need for love. And will have made the transition from the euphoria of passionate love to the deep settled confidence of convenant love. We love each other, and our love will endure because we choose to nurture love by learning how to express love effectively.
It is the convenant love that sustains a relationship through the years and leads the fifty-years-old husband to say about his wife, “I will love her more deeply now than the day we married”.
Convenant love requires two factors: knowledge of the nature of love and the will to love. Understanding the love languages will give you the information you need to have a successful, log-tem convenant love. Hopefully, as you see the benefits of love convenant love, you will also find the will to love.
Without this individual who divorce will marry and repeat the cycle with another mate. Sixty percent of those who marry will experience a second divorce and be single again…. Unless they learn the nature of love and move successfully from stage to stage two
The Convenant Stage of Love
Stage two is what I prefer to call “convenant love? It is very different from stage one, which I sometimes call “passionate Love? I do not mean to imply that covenant love is not passionate, but in convenant love, passion must be fed and nurtured. It will not continue to flow simply because we remain in the relationship. It is truly different from stage one. The obsessiveness we have had for each other begins to fade, and we recognize that there are other important pursuits in life in addition to pursuing each other. The illusions of perfection evaporate and the words of our mother returns to mind, “He hasn’t had a steady job in five years”….or you remember the word of words of our friend “The woman has been married five times before”. And now, in your mind, you begin to agree with your mother (or your friend). You wonder how you could have been so blind to reality
The differences in personality and lifestyle become so obvious, when before, you hardly saw them, The euphoria that led you to put each other first and to focus on each other well-being has now dissipated, and you begin to focus on yourself and realize that your lover is no longer meeting your needs. So you begin to request and then demand of the person, and when he or she refuses to meet your demand, you withdraw or you lash out in anger. Your anger or withdraw pushes your lover further way, and makes it difficult for him/her to express love to you.
Can such a tarnished relationship be reborn? The answer is yes: if the couple comes to understand the nature of love and learns hoe to express love in a language the next person can receive
The obsessive stage is over. The couple may be dating or married but they must move to the next stage, or the romantic relationship will end.
Convenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love each other no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions, but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other well- being
Our behavior will affect the person emotions. In fact, if we learn to express love in the other person’s love language, he/she will feel loved. And if that person reciprocates by speaking our love language, they will meet emotional need for love. And will have made the transition from the euphoria of passionate love to the deep settled confidence of convenant love. We love each other, and our love will endure because we choose to nurture love by learning how to express love effectively.
It is the convenant love that sustains a relationship through the years and leads the fifty-years-old husband to say about his wife, “I will love her more deeply now than the day we married”.
Convenant love requires two factors: knowledge of the nature of love and the will to love. Understanding the love languages will give you the information you need to have a successful, log-tem convenant love. Hopefully, as you see the benefits of love convenant love, you will also find the will to love.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
THE STAGES OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
With thousands of marriages ending in divorce every year, isn’t it time to stop and ask why? Why do good marriages go bad? Why do people become single again, I am convinced that the answer lies in the misunderstanding that most people have about the nature of love.
Western society is largely addicted to romantic love. If you doubt that listen to our songs, watch our movies, and check the sales statistics on romance novels. On the other hand, we’re very ignorant of the fact about love. We have bought into concept that love is something that happens to you. It is magical, obsessive, and extremely exhilarating. If you have it, you have it, and if you don’t, you don’t, and there is nothing you can do about it. While this description of love is fairly accurate, it describes only the first stage of a romantic relationship. It certainly does not describe the second and more important stage of romantic love. Let’s look at these two stages of a relationship.
1. The Obsessive Stage of Love
Most people are not aware of the research t6hat has been done on the “in love” obsessive stage of love. Some of the extensive research was done by Prof.Dorothy Tennov. The University of Bridgetport at Connecticut. In her classic book, love and Limerence,Tennov concluded that the average life-span of this stage of love is two years. 1 During this obsessive stage of love, we live under the illusion that the person with whom we are in love is perfect…….. at least, perfect for us. Our friends can see his or her flaws, but we cannot. Your mother may say “honey, have you considered he hasn’t had a steady job for in five years?” Your response maybe “Mom, Give him a break. He’s waiting for the right opportunity.” Your fellow employee may say” Have you considered she’s been married five times before”, to which you respond, “She married loser. The woman deserves to be happy. I’m going to make her happy.”
During this initial stage of love, we have other irrational thought such as, “I’ll never be happy, unless new are together forever.” “Nothing else in life really matters.” Such thinking often leads a student to drop out of College and marry his or her lover, or start living together even though they are not married. In this stage of love, differences are minimized or denied. we just know that we are happy, that we have never been happier, and we intend to keep this the rest of our lives.
This stage of love does not require a lot of effort. It begins with I call a “tingles”. There’s something I about the way the other person looks, the way he (or she) talks, the way emotes, the way he carries himself that gives you a little tingles inside. It is the tingles that motivate us to ask someone out for a dinner. Sometimes, we lose the tingles on the first date. Something they do or say annoys us, or we find out they have a habit that we know we cannot tolerate. Therefore the next time they call for dinner, we’re not hungry. It’s fine with us if we never see the person again, and the tingles die a natural death, a quick death
But with others, we can hardly wait to meet for the next dinner. The tingles get stronger and stronger, and the emotional obsession begins to set in. We find ourselves thinking about the person as soon as we awake. He or she is the last person we think of before we go to sleep.
All day long, we’re wondering what the person is doing. We can hardly wait to be together again, and every time we’re together, it’s wonderful!
Eventually one of us says to each other something like “I think I could love you”. We are testing the water to see if they are feeling what we are feeling. And if they give us a positive response, such as “What would be so bad about that?” We will have a tender evening.
The next time the moon is right, we actually say the “words I love you” And that we respond “I love you too”. From that moment, the emotional obsession grows until we are certain that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.
It is in this obsessed stage of love that most people get married and others starts living together. The whole relationship has been effortless. We have been swept along by the heightened emotions of the “in love” obsession. That’s why we view each other as the most important person in the universe
Western society is largely addicted to romantic love. If you doubt that listen to our songs, watch our movies, and check the sales statistics on romance novels. On the other hand, we’re very ignorant of the fact about love. We have bought into concept that love is something that happens to you. It is magical, obsessive, and extremely exhilarating. If you have it, you have it, and if you don’t, you don’t, and there is nothing you can do about it. While this description of love is fairly accurate, it describes only the first stage of a romantic relationship. It certainly does not describe the second and more important stage of romantic love. Let’s look at these two stages of a relationship.
1. The Obsessive Stage of Love
Most people are not aware of the research t6hat has been done on the “in love” obsessive stage of love. Some of the extensive research was done by Prof.Dorothy Tennov. The University of Bridgetport at Connecticut. In her classic book, love and Limerence,Tennov concluded that the average life-span of this stage of love is two years. 1 During this obsessive stage of love, we live under the illusion that the person with whom we are in love is perfect…….. at least, perfect for us. Our friends can see his or her flaws, but we cannot. Your mother may say “honey, have you considered he hasn’t had a steady job for in five years?” Your response maybe “Mom, Give him a break. He’s waiting for the right opportunity.” Your fellow employee may say” Have you considered she’s been married five times before”, to which you respond, “She married loser. The woman deserves to be happy. I’m going to make her happy.”
During this initial stage of love, we have other irrational thought such as, “I’ll never be happy, unless new are together forever.” “Nothing else in life really matters.” Such thinking often leads a student to drop out of College and marry his or her lover, or start living together even though they are not married. In this stage of love, differences are minimized or denied. we just know that we are happy, that we have never been happier, and we intend to keep this the rest of our lives.
This stage of love does not require a lot of effort. It begins with I call a “tingles”. There’s something I about the way the other person looks, the way he (or she) talks, the way emotes, the way he carries himself that gives you a little tingles inside. It is the tingles that motivate us to ask someone out for a dinner. Sometimes, we lose the tingles on the first date. Something they do or say annoys us, or we find out they have a habit that we know we cannot tolerate. Therefore the next time they call for dinner, we’re not hungry. It’s fine with us if we never see the person again, and the tingles die a natural death, a quick death
But with others, we can hardly wait to meet for the next dinner. The tingles get stronger and stronger, and the emotional obsession begins to set in. We find ourselves thinking about the person as soon as we awake. He or she is the last person we think of before we go to sleep.
All day long, we’re wondering what the person is doing. We can hardly wait to be together again, and every time we’re together, it’s wonderful!
Eventually one of us says to each other something like “I think I could love you”. We are testing the water to see if they are feeling what we are feeling. And if they give us a positive response, such as “What would be so bad about that?” We will have a tender evening.
The next time the moon is right, we actually say the “words I love you” And that we respond “I love you too”. From that moment, the emotional obsession grows until we are certain that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.
It is in this obsessed stage of love that most people get married and others starts living together. The whole relationship has been effortless. We have been swept along by the heightened emotions of the “in love” obsession. That’s why we view each other as the most important person in the universe
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The key to a Good Relationship
WE ARE RELATIONAL CREATURES. All human live in community, and most people seek social interaction. In western culture isolation is seen as one of the most stringent of punishment. Even aspire to solitary confinement. It is safe to assume that everyone reading this article has relation-ships. The question is what is the quality of those relationships?
Positive, affirming relationship brings pleasure, but poor relationship brings deep pain. I would be so bold as to suggest that life’s greatest happiness is found in good relationship and life’s deepest pain is found in bad relationship. If you feel loved by your mother, then the maternal relationship brings you a feeling of comfort and encouragement. On the other hand, if your relationship with your mother is fractured, you probably suffer feeling of abandonment. If you were abused by your mother, you likely feel hurt and anger, maybe even hatred.
THE ROLE OF OUR PARENTS
Lack of love from parent often motivates their children to go searching for love in other relationship. This search is often misguided and leads to further disappointment. For a number of years ago Derek has worked with street people. A few years he said “I’ve never met anyone on the street who had a good relationship with his/her father”.
All your relationship spring from the relationship with your parents. The nature of that relationship will have a positive or negative influence on all other relationship.
Many singles adult have felt unloved by one or both parents. To compensate for the emptiness, they have poured themselves into positive pursuits and have accomplished admirable goals in many areas, but they have been extremely unsuccessful in building positive relationship with other adults. Most have never stopped to ask, “What do I need to learn about love in order to build successful, positive relationship?” Understanding the love languages will answer that question
Another reality about relationship is that they are never statics. All of us experience changes in relationship, but few of us stop to analyze why a relationship get better or worst. Most divorced singles did not enter marriage with a goal of divorcing in fact, most of them were extremely happy when they married. They would have characterized their marriage relationship as positive, loving, and affirming. Obviously something happened to the relationship. By the time they divorce they are saying such things as, My spouse is unloving, uncaring, self centered, and sometimes downright mean. “Ironically, the spouse often makes similar statements about them. Obviously the marriage went sour, but why?
Positive, affirming relationship brings pleasure, but poor relationship brings deep pain. I would be so bold as to suggest that life’s greatest happiness is found in good relationship and life’s deepest pain is found in bad relationship. If you feel loved by your mother, then the maternal relationship brings you a feeling of comfort and encouragement. On the other hand, if your relationship with your mother is fractured, you probably suffer feeling of abandonment. If you were abused by your mother, you likely feel hurt and anger, maybe even hatred.
THE ROLE OF OUR PARENTS
Lack of love from parent often motivates their children to go searching for love in other relationship. This search is often misguided and leads to further disappointment. For a number of years ago Derek has worked with street people. A few years he said “I’ve never met anyone on the street who had a good relationship with his/her father”.
All your relationship spring from the relationship with your parents. The nature of that relationship will have a positive or negative influence on all other relationship.
Many singles adult have felt unloved by one or both parents. To compensate for the emptiness, they have poured themselves into positive pursuits and have accomplished admirable goals in many areas, but they have been extremely unsuccessful in building positive relationship with other adults. Most have never stopped to ask, “What do I need to learn about love in order to build successful, positive relationship?” Understanding the love languages will answer that question
Another reality about relationship is that they are never statics. All of us experience changes in relationship, but few of us stop to analyze why a relationship get better or worst. Most divorced singles did not enter marriage with a goal of divorcing in fact, most of them were extremely happy when they married. They would have characterized their marriage relationship as positive, loving, and affirming. Obviously something happened to the relationship. By the time they divorce they are saying such things as, My spouse is unloving, uncaring, self centered, and sometimes downright mean. “Ironically, the spouse often makes similar statements about them. Obviously the marriage went sour, but why?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Significant and Growing
IF YOU'RE READING THIS ARTICLE,chances are you're either single or know someone who is.more than four of every ten men are single. In fact, the nigeria has more singles adult than any other nation in the world except india and china. of course, single adult are not homogeneous lot. There are at least five categories of single adult, each very different from the others. The largest category of singles is those who have never been down the aisle, but the other four also command our attention. Here are the five groups
- Never Married. Age eighteen and older, this group is 49 million strong. The median age of a first marriage has risen to twenty-five among women and twenty- seven among men . This means that, in the general population among people eighteen to twenty-four, almost nine out of then (87 percent) has never been married.
- Divorced. Today, at anyone time 10 percent of all adult are divorced over time however many more married adult suffer through divorce.within five years 20 percent of all married ends in divorce. Within ten years.one-third of all couples will be divorced, and within fifteen years forty- three percent will be divorced
- Separated but not Divorced. These are individuals who are still legally married but no longer liver under the same roof. In lifestlye they are more sinle than married. The separated status however is temporary. These individual will either reconcile with their spouse or go on and formalize their separation by legal divorce .Research indicate that 97 percent of women who separated from their husband end up divorced within five years of the separation
- Widowed. Widowhood is definitely gender biased. Four out of five adults who are single because of the death of their spouse are females. Nearly half of all women sixty-five and older are widowed, compared to only 14 percent of all men
- Single Parents. One hundred years ago fewer than one out of every hundred adults was a sinle parent of a child under eighteen. Today there are more than twelve million single parents with children under eighteen in their care-- almost one out of every three families. Obviously, many single parents have never been married. Among those who are singles moms, 40 percent were never married to the father of their children. Thus a growing number of never married singles are also single parents
DIVERSE YET UNITED It is obvious from this overview that single adults are very diverse, However, they are united by those 4 factors that hold all of us together as humans. If you are a single adult , you're seeking to understand yourself and your place in the world. Every single wrestles with values,morals, relationship, and meaning. At the heart of this pursuit is the need as an unmarried person to give and receive emotional love. Whatever the category, as a single adult, you want to feel loved by the significant people in your life. You also want to believe that someone needs your love. Giving and recieving love is at the center of the single adult's sense of well-being. If you feel loved and needed, you can survive the pressure of life. Without love, life can become exceedingly bleak.
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