The problem is that by nature we tend to speak our own love languages. That is, we express love to others in a language that would make us feel loved. But if it is not his or her primary love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to us.
This is why thousands of couples are frustrated. Sam, a divorced single, said about the woman he is dating “I don’t understand her. She says she feels like I don’t love her. How could she feel unloved? Everyday I tell her that I love her. I also give her compliment everyday. I tell her how pretty she is. I tell her what a good mother she is. How could she feel unloved?”
The problem is her love language is act of service, not words of affirmation. So in her mind, she’s thinking if he loved me, he would do something to help me. When he comes over, he watches television while I wash the dishes. He never helps me with anything. I’m sick of his words “ I love you, I love you” words are cheap. If he really loves me, he would do something. I do everything for him: he does nothing for me. This scenario is repeated in thousands of relationship. Each person speaks his own languages and does not understand why the other does not feel loved. If we want the other person to feel loved, we must discover and learn to speak his/her primary love language
Many dating relationships become troubled, especially if the couple dates beyond the two years obsessive stage of passionate love. Often these couples break up and go their separate ways, not because they would not have good marital partners, but because they lost the emotional love they had for each other.
Often this could have been remedied had they discovered each other’s primary love languages and learn to speak it
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Moving On The Stage Two Love
When we understand the stage one of love, we had no comprehension of stage two.Our perception of love are typical for both singles and married adults in western culture. That is why understanding the love languages is so critical if we are to have long-term relationships. The love languages reveals how to keep emotional love alive once we come down from the emotional high of the obsessive stage of love.
Without this individual who divorce will marry and repeat the cycle with another mate. Sixty percent of those who marry will experience a second divorce and be single again…. Unless they learn the nature of love and move successfully from stage to stage two
The Convenant Stage of Love
Stage two is what I prefer to call “convenant love? It is very different from stage one, which I sometimes call “passionate Love? I do not mean to imply that covenant love is not passionate, but in convenant love, passion must be fed and nurtured. It will not continue to flow simply because we remain in the relationship. It is truly different from stage one. The obsessiveness we have had for each other begins to fade, and we recognize that there are other important pursuits in life in addition to pursuing each other. The illusions of perfection evaporate and the words of our mother returns to mind, “He hasn’t had a steady job in five years”….or you remember the word of words of our friend “The woman has been married five times before”. And now, in your mind, you begin to agree with your mother (or your friend). You wonder how you could have been so blind to reality
The differences in personality and lifestyle become so obvious, when before, you hardly saw them, The euphoria that led you to put each other first and to focus on each other well-being has now dissipated, and you begin to focus on yourself and realize that your lover is no longer meeting your needs. So you begin to request and then demand of the person, and when he or she refuses to meet your demand, you withdraw or you lash out in anger. Your anger or withdraw pushes your lover further way, and makes it difficult for him/her to express love to you.
Can such a tarnished relationship be reborn? The answer is yes: if the couple comes to understand the nature of love and learns hoe to express love in a language the next person can receive
The obsessive stage is over. The couple may be dating or married but they must move to the next stage, or the romantic relationship will end.
Convenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love each other no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions, but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other well- being
Our behavior will affect the person emotions. In fact, if we learn to express love in the other person’s love language, he/she will feel loved. And if that person reciprocates by speaking our love language, they will meet emotional need for love. And will have made the transition from the euphoria of passionate love to the deep settled confidence of convenant love. We love each other, and our love will endure because we choose to nurture love by learning how to express love effectively.
It is the convenant love that sustains a relationship through the years and leads the fifty-years-old husband to say about his wife, “I will love her more deeply now than the day we married”.
Convenant love requires two factors: knowledge of the nature of love and the will to love. Understanding the love languages will give you the information you need to have a successful, log-tem convenant love. Hopefully, as you see the benefits of love convenant love, you will also find the will to love.
Without this individual who divorce will marry and repeat the cycle with another mate. Sixty percent of those who marry will experience a second divorce and be single again…. Unless they learn the nature of love and move successfully from stage to stage two
The Convenant Stage of Love
Stage two is what I prefer to call “convenant love? It is very different from stage one, which I sometimes call “passionate Love? I do not mean to imply that covenant love is not passionate, but in convenant love, passion must be fed and nurtured. It will not continue to flow simply because we remain in the relationship. It is truly different from stage one. The obsessiveness we have had for each other begins to fade, and we recognize that there are other important pursuits in life in addition to pursuing each other. The illusions of perfection evaporate and the words of our mother returns to mind, “He hasn’t had a steady job in five years”….or you remember the word of words of our friend “The woman has been married five times before”. And now, in your mind, you begin to agree with your mother (or your friend). You wonder how you could have been so blind to reality
The differences in personality and lifestyle become so obvious, when before, you hardly saw them, The euphoria that led you to put each other first and to focus on each other well-being has now dissipated, and you begin to focus on yourself and realize that your lover is no longer meeting your needs. So you begin to request and then demand of the person, and when he or she refuses to meet your demand, you withdraw or you lash out in anger. Your anger or withdraw pushes your lover further way, and makes it difficult for him/her to express love to you.
Can such a tarnished relationship be reborn? The answer is yes: if the couple comes to understand the nature of love and learns hoe to express love in a language the next person can receive
The obsessive stage is over. The couple may be dating or married but they must move to the next stage, or the romantic relationship will end.
Convenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love each other no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions, but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other well- being
Our behavior will affect the person emotions. In fact, if we learn to express love in the other person’s love language, he/she will feel loved. And if that person reciprocates by speaking our love language, they will meet emotional need for love. And will have made the transition from the euphoria of passionate love to the deep settled confidence of convenant love. We love each other, and our love will endure because we choose to nurture love by learning how to express love effectively.
It is the convenant love that sustains a relationship through the years and leads the fifty-years-old husband to say about his wife, “I will love her more deeply now than the day we married”.
Convenant love requires two factors: knowledge of the nature of love and the will to love. Understanding the love languages will give you the information you need to have a successful, log-tem convenant love. Hopefully, as you see the benefits of love convenant love, you will also find the will to love.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
THE STAGES OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
With thousands of marriages ending in divorce every year, isn’t it time to stop and ask why? Why do good marriages go bad? Why do people become single again, I am convinced that the answer lies in the misunderstanding that most people have about the nature of love.
Western society is largely addicted to romantic love. If you doubt that listen to our songs, watch our movies, and check the sales statistics on romance novels. On the other hand, we’re very ignorant of the fact about love. We have bought into concept that love is something that happens to you. It is magical, obsessive, and extremely exhilarating. If you have it, you have it, and if you don’t, you don’t, and there is nothing you can do about it. While this description of love is fairly accurate, it describes only the first stage of a romantic relationship. It certainly does not describe the second and more important stage of romantic love. Let’s look at these two stages of a relationship.
1. The Obsessive Stage of Love
Most people are not aware of the research t6hat has been done on the “in love” obsessive stage of love. Some of the extensive research was done by Prof.Dorothy Tennov. The University of Bridgetport at Connecticut. In her classic book, love and Limerence,Tennov concluded that the average life-span of this stage of love is two years. 1 During this obsessive stage of love, we live under the illusion that the person with whom we are in love is perfect…….. at least, perfect for us. Our friends can see his or her flaws, but we cannot. Your mother may say “honey, have you considered he hasn’t had a steady job for in five years?” Your response maybe “Mom, Give him a break. He’s waiting for the right opportunity.” Your fellow employee may say” Have you considered she’s been married five times before”, to which you respond, “She married loser. The woman deserves to be happy. I’m going to make her happy.”
During this initial stage of love, we have other irrational thought such as, “I’ll never be happy, unless new are together forever.” “Nothing else in life really matters.” Such thinking often leads a student to drop out of College and marry his or her lover, or start living together even though they are not married. In this stage of love, differences are minimized or denied. we just know that we are happy, that we have never been happier, and we intend to keep this the rest of our lives.
This stage of love does not require a lot of effort. It begins with I call a “tingles”. There’s something I about the way the other person looks, the way he (or she) talks, the way emotes, the way he carries himself that gives you a little tingles inside. It is the tingles that motivate us to ask someone out for a dinner. Sometimes, we lose the tingles on the first date. Something they do or say annoys us, or we find out they have a habit that we know we cannot tolerate. Therefore the next time they call for dinner, we’re not hungry. It’s fine with us if we never see the person again, and the tingles die a natural death, a quick death
But with others, we can hardly wait to meet for the next dinner. The tingles get stronger and stronger, and the emotional obsession begins to set in. We find ourselves thinking about the person as soon as we awake. He or she is the last person we think of before we go to sleep.
All day long, we’re wondering what the person is doing. We can hardly wait to be together again, and every time we’re together, it’s wonderful!
Eventually one of us says to each other something like “I think I could love you”. We are testing the water to see if they are feeling what we are feeling. And if they give us a positive response, such as “What would be so bad about that?” We will have a tender evening.
The next time the moon is right, we actually say the “words I love you” And that we respond “I love you too”. From that moment, the emotional obsession grows until we are certain that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.
It is in this obsessed stage of love that most people get married and others starts living together. The whole relationship has been effortless. We have been swept along by the heightened emotions of the “in love” obsession. That’s why we view each other as the most important person in the universe
Western society is largely addicted to romantic love. If you doubt that listen to our songs, watch our movies, and check the sales statistics on romance novels. On the other hand, we’re very ignorant of the fact about love. We have bought into concept that love is something that happens to you. It is magical, obsessive, and extremely exhilarating. If you have it, you have it, and if you don’t, you don’t, and there is nothing you can do about it. While this description of love is fairly accurate, it describes only the first stage of a romantic relationship. It certainly does not describe the second and more important stage of romantic love. Let’s look at these two stages of a relationship.
1. The Obsessive Stage of Love
Most people are not aware of the research t6hat has been done on the “in love” obsessive stage of love. Some of the extensive research was done by Prof.Dorothy Tennov. The University of Bridgetport at Connecticut. In her classic book, love and Limerence,Tennov concluded that the average life-span of this stage of love is two years. 1 During this obsessive stage of love, we live under the illusion that the person with whom we are in love is perfect…….. at least, perfect for us. Our friends can see his or her flaws, but we cannot. Your mother may say “honey, have you considered he hasn’t had a steady job for in five years?” Your response maybe “Mom, Give him a break. He’s waiting for the right opportunity.” Your fellow employee may say” Have you considered she’s been married five times before”, to which you respond, “She married loser. The woman deserves to be happy. I’m going to make her happy.”
During this initial stage of love, we have other irrational thought such as, “I’ll never be happy, unless new are together forever.” “Nothing else in life really matters.” Such thinking often leads a student to drop out of College and marry his or her lover, or start living together even though they are not married. In this stage of love, differences are minimized or denied. we just know that we are happy, that we have never been happier, and we intend to keep this the rest of our lives.
This stage of love does not require a lot of effort. It begins with I call a “tingles”. There’s something I about the way the other person looks, the way he (or she) talks, the way emotes, the way he carries himself that gives you a little tingles inside. It is the tingles that motivate us to ask someone out for a dinner. Sometimes, we lose the tingles on the first date. Something they do or say annoys us, or we find out they have a habit that we know we cannot tolerate. Therefore the next time they call for dinner, we’re not hungry. It’s fine with us if we never see the person again, and the tingles die a natural death, a quick death
But with others, we can hardly wait to meet for the next dinner. The tingles get stronger and stronger, and the emotional obsession begins to set in. We find ourselves thinking about the person as soon as we awake. He or she is the last person we think of before we go to sleep.
All day long, we’re wondering what the person is doing. We can hardly wait to be together again, and every time we’re together, it’s wonderful!
Eventually one of us says to each other something like “I think I could love you”. We are testing the water to see if they are feeling what we are feeling. And if they give us a positive response, such as “What would be so bad about that?” We will have a tender evening.
The next time the moon is right, we actually say the “words I love you” And that we respond “I love you too”. From that moment, the emotional obsession grows until we are certain that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.
It is in this obsessed stage of love that most people get married and others starts living together. The whole relationship has been effortless. We have been swept along by the heightened emotions of the “in love” obsession. That’s why we view each other as the most important person in the universe
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